Because I'm bored, I am going to write in English. The first in the history of kaeklatan. HAHAHA.
It's been a while since I last updated this blog. A lot of things have happened since the elections, the last topic I wrote about. It's been over a year, and the country still awaits to see the concrete, drastic changes that the winning party committed to the general voting populace. Could be the incompetence now being brought to the fore sans (SANS HAHAHA) the dreamy, emotion-filled atmosphere of the 2010 elections when the entire nation raised hopes--to unprecedented and probably dangerous levels--that drastic change will come after a decade of Arroyo rule. Confidence ratings have since plummeted with the apparent lack of action of the seated government regarding pressing issues which it promised to solve in the much-spent-for campaigns. Q1 economic data shows that the economy is slowing down from last year's extraordinary growth levels, possibly indicating decline in investor confidence which soared really high upon assumption of power of the current government. Some analysts are pointing out that the economic slowdown is not critical, and to a certain extent, to be expected given the circumstances of the previous months. Hopefully so. And hopefully, economic upliftment will reach and be felt not only analysts and high-profile investors or even relatively-educated market participants, but more importantly the majority of the country who do not understand those talks about GDP rates and these numbers and percentages that we like to boast about.
Contrary to that previous paragraph, I did not intend this entry to become yet another exposition of a commoner's thoughts on the public sphere.
Yet really, there was not a point when I first opened a notepad document to type away my boredom at the office. Good thing blogger.com is not blocked in my access. It was just that: to type away boredom and possibly whisk away today's stagnation, as efforts to relieve boredom on previous weeks (e.g., inquirer.net HAHAHA, email threads with friends, etc) are proving to become more and more ineffective and desensitizing.
Young and new as I may be in the corporate world, I am starting to think about this capitalist enclosing. Slowly I am starting to feel that the 8:30AM to 5:30PM hodgepodge of excel files, emails, meetings, bosses, more emails, more meetings, etc is becoming more and more a prison cell that Queen declares to be free from someday, Lord! Not to give the impression that I'm stressed out due to very heavy workload. Quite the opposite: I am stressed out because most of the time, I am not doing anything but wait for emails, refresh news sites, and stare at my workstation pretending to look busy (or at least to look like I'm doing something--and writing this surely does the trick hahaha). On occasion, there are meetings, instructions from bosses, and other work-related things, but they come so sparsely that I strongly feel that my mind is surely stagnating. My department talks of a lot of revamping/restrategizing plans, to which I know that I am supposed to do a lot about, but am doing practically nothing. Have I become so incompetent and so stagnated, or even so unmotivated as to not know/not do what to do?
Probably it's the lack of motivation, given that I was thrown into a place that I did not at all envision myself doing/entering. Remnants of bitterness with the lack of bargaining power as to the final assignment after training are probably still present and looming. When then shall I begin recovery and reactivation when I thought to have accepted the turn of events months ago? Songs and literature have been written: we can't always get what we want. But until how long shall I become bound to things I do not want and begin proactively shaping my own life towards what I envisioned, hoped for, dreamed about?
There is technically an answer: 3 years. HAHA or around the vicinity of 138 weeks from the time of this writing. At least for this chapter. But the existential (weh hahaha) questions remain: shall I really begin crawling towards the dream after this 3-year chapter? Or shall this capitalist enclosure soften and dampen my spirits so much as to just want to be confined in its routinary, largely predictable rhythm providing financial gains in regular intervals?
Or the most fundamental questions relevant to this pondering: what exactly is the dream that I hope to move towards? How dare I ask myself when I shall move towards the goal when admittedly, the goal is not clear and defined as yet. But the Philippine Daily Inquirer says: Dare to Ask. HAHAHA.
I probably will have no other course of action really than to follow the preaching of Tambalang Balasubas at Balahura, "to take each day at a time." To live each moment as it comes. Muhammad Ali supposedly said to not count the days but make the days count. But I think I need to hold on to the weekly countdown--presently at 138 and still counting hahahaha.
Tamabalan would ask, why worry about the future when you may not reach tomorrow anymore? Hahahaha. True enough, the certainty of a "future" is not really there.
Really, I just hope to do things I want to do, even while being in this rather alienating condition of the corporate world. If alienation and self-discovery can be done at the same time.
We can only hope and pray.
